kt 1949	How to Survive

■ The forty-mile gale waits until my
big toe touches water. Then it blows.

I That might make a man less de-
Ilermined than I am to pause at the
Ivater’s edge. It certainly makes me
I'ause at the water’s edge. While I
Hurn lavender blue, a giggling young
voman dashes by, pursued by a gig-
ling young man.

She sends up a tidal wave that
■ Encases me in ice. He bumps me into
HKn impromptu dive. The incoming
® ■amber lifts me wrong end up,
■ Breaks a few clam shells with my
■ Head and deposits me on shore, gar-
■ ■'.nded with seaweed.

HAnd at the end of this delightful

ay, the long voyage home. The kids
imble into the car with wet suits,
IM>ys full of sand, hair full of sand,
^■mpers full of sand, sunburn full of
nd, sand full of sand. In a manner

^3: speaking, you never leave the
^ftach. You can’t.

As a result of years of this kind
thing, I have drawn up a code of
|;ach behavior which I hope to per-
lade the authorities to post at every
athing point. If everybody will co-
Iaerate, I think we can put an end
beach problems. Or at least to
:aches.

URule 1. Parents coming to a public
:ach must leave children in the
cker room. Preferably in the lock-

I^ms. Husbands and single women will
allowed on the beaches. Wives

lay occupy the boardwalk, but bi-
-^■loculars must be checked.

47

Rule 2. All beaches will remain
closed until 11:30 a.m., to give every-
body a fair chance. Then a lifeguard
will fire a pistol, and everybody will
race for desired positions. Husbands
with two kids, eighteen towels, a ra-
dio, beach umbrella, two rubber
tubes, two back rests, two sand pails,
two shovels and a suitcase will be
given a 100-yard handicap. And a
porter.

Rule 3. Any portable radio that is
tuned in to a Mr. and Mrs. breakfast
show will be exploded by infra-red
rays from the lifeguard tower. Any-
one finding eyes poked out by beach
umbrellas will turn them in to the
lifeguard. Anyone finding the life-
guard will receive a $100 reward.

Rule 4. Schedule of fines: $5 for
dribbling on dry bathers. $10 for
running along beach and kicking
sand on a bather’s sandwich. $15 for
performing water acrobatics and
landing on the neck of Jules Archer
or any of his relatives. $20 for tossing
mud at a friend emerging from the
water, missing him, and not missing
Jules Archer. $25 for hanging onto
a guide rope in the water, then let-
ting it snap back under the chin of
any father with two children.

Rule 5. Public beaches will be
closed every year between the months
of April and October, except to writ-
ers unaccompanied by their families.
Since their families won’t let them go
alone, anyhow that will keep our
beaches nice and clean.

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