22
January 4, 1923
Hughes.—Do you want to cancel your harem? Turkey.—No, I can fix my 500 wives all right, but I can’t get by my 500 mothers-in-law.
Hughes.—We’ll cancel them.
Turkey.—Thanks. They’ll be at the bottom of the Bosphorus tonight.
Hughes.—China, want anything cancelled?
China (leaps to his feet).—Missionaries.
Hughes.—Don’t you want to be civilized ?
China (angrily).—Our smallee boys chewee gum —knowee more ׳bout Babe Ruth than ’bout Buddha; our ladies wearee shortee skirtee, smokee cigalette, wantee vote, no wantee babies. Our men shootee craps, no wantee do laundlee—
Hughes.—Stop. This is dreadful. Missionaries cancelled.
China.—Muchee thankee (lights opium pipe and smokes).
Hughes.—Ireland? What is it you want?
Ireland.—I’d like to knock the block off England —or anyone else for that matter.
Hughes.—Well, England isn’t here.
Ireland.—Shure not. There’s nothing to grab from these slobs.
All (jump up angrily).
Hughes (raps loudly).—Gentlemen, control yourselves. Ireland, stop it. Now, what do your countrymen really want?
Ireland (mopping his brow in puzzled fashion).■— Well, we’re not sayin’ what we want, because when we find out what we want, they might give it to us, and it may not be the thing we thought we wanted; but if they don’t give us what we ought to ask them for, the dirty spalpeens, we’ll find out what it is thgy think we oughtn’t to have, and begorrah, we won’t take it—not, if King George himself refuses it to us.
. . . Say, if that beer-mug-face (points to Germany) don’t stop laughin’ at me I’ll break more of his teeth than the dentist can put back in his big— Germany.—I object—
Hughes.—Sit down.
Germany (sits down).
Hughes.—Stand up.
Germany (stands up).
Hughes.—Sit down.
Germany (sits down).
Hughes.•—Stand up.
Germany (stands up).
Hughes.—Attafritzeeboy. I guess you’ll do anything you’re told now, all right.	.
Germany.—I—
Hughes.—Not a word.
Germany.—I’d like—
Hughes.—Silence. .	.	. Well, why don’t you
speak up?
Germany.—I—I—
Hughes.—Close your trap. Sit down.
Germany (sits down).
Hughes.—I’ll express Germany’s wish. They’ve got too many bad Marks.
Ireland (jumps up).—I’ll put some good marks on the lojv-life—
Hughes (raps).—Ireland will have to keep quiet. Ireland.—Begob, it can’t be done.
Hughes.—Germany would like to cancel the war, start it all over again, and march through Switzerland this time.
Switzerland.—I protest.
Hughes—Switzerland—you have the floor. Switzerland.—We’d like to cancel our navy— because when the masts of the ships get tangled up in the Alps—
Hughes (sharply to China).—China, turn your pipe the •other way. Switzerland has been inhaling that stuff.
China (suddenly aroused from reverie).—Me wantee Japan givee back Kiau Chow—me wantee Kiau Chow (in manner of a cat’s meeowing). Hughes.—Meeow—Chow ?
China.—No—Kiau-Chow.
Hughes—Meeow—
China.—Kiau (they engage in a cat-fight of meeowing, spitting, hissing).
Hughes—So, that’s settled. Japan gets Meeow Chow Main—and China keeps Kiau Chop Suey. Now, Russia, your turn.
Russia (rises and makes explosive sounds, lashing himself into a fit of fury).
Hughes—The gentleman is using his native tongue. I will translate. He says that Russia has cancelled money and debts, and millionaires and corporations, and factories and workmen, and bills and notes, and mortgages, efficiency, and workmen, and beggars and noblemen, and marriage and love, and law and order. They’ve got one thing left—Trotzky —and they’d like to cancel him. The choir will now sing Trotzky’s Farewell.
All.—Good Bye, Forever—Good Bye, Forever. Hughes.—Poor Russia is stripped to its very bones.
MUSICAL COURIER
VARIATIONETTES
By the Editor-in-Chief
Ireland.—Well, then I won’t need this (hands shillelagh to Attendant then takes it back). Well, you niver can tell. (Knock, off.)
Holland (peering out).—No—we don’t need any coal. (Looks closer.) Oh, excuse me—walk right in. Gentlemen, this is Africa (enter Africa, black man, in native costume, playing banjo).
Holland.—Sh! No music here.
Africa.—Ah thought you wanted harmony heah, so I bring de lil’ banjo.
Holland.—There’s nothing harmonious here—it’s a Peace Conference (Africa gives banjo to Attendant).
(Enter Switzerland, carrying huge Swiss cheese.) Holland.—You’re supposed to knock. Everybody is supposed to knock that comes to this conference.
Switzerland (bows).—Switzerland never knocks anyone. (Knock, off.)
Holland.—Who is it? (Iceland enters, carrying cake of ice, eating eskimo pie. Attired in white furs and cap).
Iceland.—It’s me.
Holland.—Who’s me ? The Knickerbocker Ice Company ?
Iceland.—No•—Iceland.
Hughes—What do you want here ?
Ireland.■—He’s looking for Dr. Cook and he’s got the ice for the funeral.
Holland (bangs gavel).—Silence!	Take your
place, Snowdrop. (Conferee, without coat, shirt torn, face begrimed, hair awry, holes in stockings, etc., comes tumbling in with a clattering noise, wearing, reversed, a coal-scuttle, as a helmet.)
Holland.—What’s this ?
Conferee.—It who got kicked.
Holland.—Look here,	Pittsburgh—cities	are
barred at this conference.
Germany.—I’m not Pittsburgh; I’m Shoimany. Holland (looks closer).—Well, well, welcome Fritz. Sit down, if it doesn’t hurt you to do so. Germany.-—Ya, ya. But don’t you know me? Holland (looks closer).—Kaiser Wilhelm himself. Where’s your wife?
Germany.•—Verboten.
Llolland (raps loudly and delegates come to attention. Holland, to Attendant).—Show in the Forestry Department (Secretary of State Hughes).
All (loudly).—Beaver.
Holland.—Take ’em off, Hughes, they know you. Hughes (takes off large pair of whiskers, revealing smaller pair underneath).—Gentlemen, you win.
Holland.—Before we are seated the band will play the national hymn of Holland (band plays, “Oh, where, or where is my little dog gone?”).
Holland (hands gavel to Hughes).—Mr. Chairman, proceed.
Hughes (bangs gavel).—Gentlemen, be cheated (all sit down).
Hughes.—You are aware that this is a Cancellation Conference, a Conference at which anyone can cancel anything. France, England, Italy, and Belgium are doing it, so why shouldn’t you little fellows have a chance? To work then, and let the cancelling proceed. The United States set you a good example. It cancelled its battleships, it cancelled its bonus to the soldiers, it cancelled liquor—־
Scotland (drops something).
Hughes.-—What’s that?
Scotland (picks up a bottle of Scotch).—Just a wee drap o’ Scotch.
Hughes.—Cancelled (seizes bottle and puts it in his pocket). As I was saying, the Giants cancelled the Yankees, the Democrats cancelled the Republicans, and Geraldine Farrar cancelled Lou Tellegen. Now, what do you gentlemen wish cancelled? Write your own tickets (seats himself).
Scotland (rises).—How about cancelling your whuskers ?
Hughes.—All right, I will (removes second pair of whiskers, disclosing a third, smaller pair). Holland, what would you like to cancel ?
Holland.—We’d like to can—1to can—(coughs) to cancel Kaiser Will Hohenzollern.
Germany.—I object.
■ Hughes.—Shut up, Bill.
Holland.—We can’t guarantee him any longer. Now that he’s married he may want to slip out nights.
Hughes.—Shocking. Do married men do such things ?
Switzerland.—Ask Turkey—he’s got five hundred wives.
Hughes.—How about it, Turkey?
Turkey.—It’s rotten for me. I have to give 500 different excuses every time I come home.
As the Panama Limited rolls southward, away from the snows and icy blasts of New York, one’s thoughts grow luxurious and one’s pen—if one is a professional pusher of it—becomes lazy. We had made fine resolves to write our budget for the Musical Courier while on the train and mail it from New Orleans whither we were bound. But, alas, nothing musical came to our mind, and not even the rhythmic thumping and grinding under the cars ordered our thoughts into anything like their customary routine in the business of compiling a page or so of comment on melodious, matters and persons.
In the smoking rooms all the talk was of the Ku Klux Klan, domestic politics, and the European situation. The K. K. K. does not interest us, and our country’s politics confuses us. We listened, however, to the pro and con opinions about conditions across the seas. The company was divided on the subject of whether the United States should call a world’s conference, or let Europe alone. No definite conclusion was reached by our fellow passengers but their remarks suggested many points which we reflected upon, chiefly, however, the idea that most of the international conferences already held had been ineffectual in solving the problems abroad.
Why not, we argued to ourselves, allow some of those countries which have not conferred, to hold a meeting of their own, and to advise, their more powerful neighbors in a friendly and impartial fashion ?
Why not, we continued, have the United States call together such a gathering and for once leave out England, France, Italy and Belgium?
Reflecting in this style, we dozed off at Mattoon, 111., and did not awaken until we reached Memphis, Tenn. Meanwhile a great dream had possessed us, and as nearly as we can remember it we set it down herewith.
In our vision we saw a conference chamber of the international type—that is, long, green-covered tables surrounded with chairs. A lone individual stands at—but let us put it all in play form for easier record:
Discovered, Holland’s representative, in wooden shoes, knickerbockers, Buster Brown blonde wig, etc.; he is smoking a long pipe, and drinking Bols from a bottle marked “Schuydam.”
Holland (reading from a parchment).—Hear, hear! Know ye all men by these presents that we herewith bid the bush-league and pee-wee nations to a solemn Peace Conference—patent applied for from ׳Henry Ford—at our capital of Hague and Hague. We will discuss the subject of Cancellations. All nations having anything to cancel, will please step right in. Whereunto we have set our hand and seal. Wilhelmina Katerina, Queen of Amsterdam, Rotterdam, Edam, Java and Mocha, and Dutch Guano (a knock is heard, off).
Holland.—Enter (enter China, attired as a laun-dryman, carrying basket). Well, China, what have you got in that basket—opium?
China.—Me gottee laundlee—shirtee, pantee, sockee.
Holland.—Welcome. A Peace Conference is the greatest place in the world to wash your dirty linen. (Knock, off.) (Enter Russia, carrying huge bag.)
Holland.—Hello, Russia, you’ll have to open that bag. No bombs allowed here.
Russia.—No bombski—only rubles—for tipski boy at doorski. Here is thirty million rubles (throws bag at Attendant, who throws it back).
Attendant.—Keep your ten cents yourself. (Knock heard, off.) (Conferee, in kilts, stops cautiously in doorway.)
Conferee.—Any charrrge for entering here? Holland.—No charge. Come in, Scotland. (Enter Scotland.) (Knock, off.) (Enter Turkey, carrying curved sword and long Turkish gun.)
Holland.—If you please, Turkey, you’ll have to leave the arsenal outside. No massacres permitted in the conference chamber. (Turkey gives weapons to Attendant.) (Knock, off.) (Ireland, on crutches, appears, head bound up, arm in a sling, carries shillelagh behind back.)
Holland.—Welcome, Ireland.
Ireland (Irish accent).—Oi don’t know whether ye mean that.
Holland.—Of course I do. Come in.
Ireland.—Oi don’t know whether I will or not. Holland.—Well, then, stay out.
Ireland.—Oi don’t know whether I’ll do that, ayther.
Holland—All right, suit yourself.
Ireland.—Is England invoited?
Holland.—No.